Update. 9 months

I know it has been a while since my last post. I have been trying to figure out what to do with this blog. Do I just wrap it up? Keep it going? Change the subject? I really don’t know. I do know that I am glad I decided to start a blog when I did. When I first had my accident I tried very hard to find situations similar to mine from others across the internet. I was not very successful. One of my main goals for this blog was to provide helpful information to others who may be going through common unfortunate circumstances. I don’t feel like I have particularly met that goal. I do know that it was very therapeutic to me, and it gave me something to do when I had very little to do other than to heal.

It has been 9 months since my accident. I cannot believe it has been that long. Some days it seems like a lifetime ago that I was in the hospital and living in that stupid brace. Other days it feels like just yesterday. I have moments where I feel really good, and I’m very positive about where I am. I also have many moments where I am incredibly frustrated that I am not further along. Like a few weeks ago when I had a busy day at work and I came home to clean my house and it produced legitimate pain. Cleaning is unenjoyable enough without physical pain! I feel like I walk a very fine line on what is too much, and what isn’t too much physically. It is very difficult to figure out what makes me sore when there are so many contributors. Work, exercise, cleaning, physical therapy. I do know when I overstep that line I pay for it for several days. Those are the tough days. Those are the days that I question if this is just my new normal, and I will constantly have to worry about “over doing it” for the rest of my life. I’m having one of those days today. I think I can contribute today’s pain with my exercise habits this week. I have been going to the gym and taking the morning fitness classes, and I’ve doing some yoga and PT. I think part of my problem is that my week isn’t very balanced. M-W is more cardio based, and W-S is more strength based. I would like to balance it a little more, but I also like to just show up to a class and not think about what I need do to. So I’m a little torn. However, I do tend to find myself sore and tired on Fridays and Saturdays. Here’s what my typical week looks like as far as exercise:

Monday
5:30a 60min spin class

Tuesday
5:00a 30min run/walk on the treadmill (no class because I have to be at work around 6:45)
PT after work

Wednesday
5:30a 60min spin class
6:00p 60min yoga

Thursday
5:30a 60min TRX class

Friday
5:30a 60min circuit training class including spin, running, weights, higher intensity exercises some of which I have to modify

Saturday
8:00a 60min TRX that is mainly core
9:00a 60min spin class

Sunday
off or walk

I really wish I could do Thursday’s TRX class on Tuesday, but that’s just not possible. I’ve become a slave to the gym schedule! I never thought I’d be a “gym” person, but here I am. I long for my bike in so many ways, but the feelings I have about getting riding again are so polarized. It is such a source of unease and anguish at this point. I started to seriously consider it last week, and the anxiety that resulted from my consideration was pretty intense. During the day I tend to get emotional and tearful about it. At night the anxiety literally wakes me up in a panic, sometimes several times a night. I suppose this is a symptom of trauma, and the fact that I have been contemplating riding again has been extremely disruptive to my sleep over the past few nights. I don’t really know what to do about it. Stop thinking about getting on a bike completely for a while? Keep thinking about it and sleep like crap? Or just get out there one day and ride around the block and get it over with? I don’t know the right answer. I still feel fragile and sore even though I know I am getting much stronger physically. I feel like even if I just tipped over on my bike it would be quite painful at this point.

I don’t know if anyone still reads this, but that’s what I’ve been up to lately. Stronger, fitter, still anxious. Recovery has been quite the evolving process. I’m still hard at it, trying to find the balance between too much and not enough. I refuse to stand still at this point.

Thanks for reading 🙂