Ups and Downs

This past week was a pretty tough one. Last Sunday afternoon, after lunch with my PA girls I ended up getting sick. Each day after last Sunday I woke up thinking I would feel better, but I didn’t. The nausea lasted for over a week. I was getting to the point where I had to take one dose of pepto before I ate, and one immediately after, just so I could get a meal down. Antacids, acid reducers, and pepto did very little to help my symptoms. I finally got some zofran and phenergan over the weekend and things have started to quiet down. An upset stomach on its own is enough, but add that on to a broken back, and I was worn out and frustrated to say the least. I did walk a little bit, and got out of the house a little, but I felt pretty rotten. I didn’t want to blog, and I wasn’t even in the mood to knit! I threw myself several pity parties, to which I only invited myself. I think in general I am a pretty positive person, but here we go…I’m just going to say it… Sometimes this really sucks.

Time is creeping by. The first month everything was so difficult and my days were spent just surviving, basically. Getting cleaned up in the morning took about an hour. Meals, moving around, chores, keeping up with messages all took so much more time than I was used to, and things were painful. Today I have much less pain, and I move faster. There’s more alone time. There’s more time to think. I am getting out more which a lot of the time is a nice distraction. I think the distractions are really good for me, and it is a little glimpse of being normal again. I feel like the past few weeks have been a transition from physically hard to mentally and emotionally hard. Physically hard in many ways seemed easier to me. I could figure out how to get from A to B, and if I couldn’t do it on my own I could ask for help. Emotional road blocks are more challenging. I cannot slowly sponge bath my sadness away, or pick up my frustrations and put them back in the pantry. This recovery has been so evolving. There have been so many challenges that I did not anticipate. I do believe I will get through this. I know I will, and looking back at this maybe 5 years from now I will think “that time seemed like a blink of an eye”. But right now I feel a little frozen in time.

There are definitely still ups though! I have rekindled my love of knitting…or cheat knitting on the loom 🙂 I had a friend, who is a seasoned knitter stop by over the weekend, and we talked about knitting and patterns etc. It was lovely. And then Cate brought me some nice wool yarn and I have already finished her scarf. That makes #8 I believe. Cate and I also carved pumpkins last week, although mine is already moldy! I have had some nice meals with friends, and some beautiful walks. I somehow managed to squeeze a dress under my brace for a nice dinner on Saturday night. Randy and I went to McConnell Springs and had a great walk yesterday. It was a gorgeous fall day, and I had no idea that place even existed. Later in the day I even treated myself to a manicure. It felt pretty nice to get pampered for an hour. I also added to my newest obsession yesterday… fancy pants! If pants can ever make you happy, I think these can. It’s hard not to smile when you’re wearing fancy pants. I’m pretty confident this week will be ups > downs.

The fancy pants! By the way, it isn’t easy taking a picture of your own legs. Try it.IMG_4024IMG_4002

Scarves #7 and #8

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McConnell Springs

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5 thoughts on “Ups and Downs

  1. You are one of the strongest women I know and you amaze me with your courage throughout this long and arduous process. The candid and heartfelt posts you share on your blog only serve to reinforce my belief that you can get through anything. Please know that even though we are many miles apart, you are frequently in my thoughts and always in my prayers. Please keep in touch…I’m home with our little one until mid January so I’m always up for a chat 😉

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  2. Reading your early thoughts of regret, blame and fear and early struggles (learning to sleep on your back) and how little things become an all morning project all served to bring back my memories of when I broke my back and spent 12 weeks in a brace. Your injuries are far more severe, however you are stronger than I and will find the strength needed to do what is required. I am glad to see you are re-engaging with things, activities and places previously forgotten or never before noticed. I found this to be a silver lining, That and the amazing strength and support from friends and family. Battle on Nikki, wishing you continued progress.

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    • Thank you so much, David. I might have been told early on in my recovery that you had once broken your back, or maybe I had just forgotten… I am sorry that you went through a similar injury, but it is encouraging to see how well you must have recovered, and your ability to gain perspective on the situation. I do try to look at the silver linings as you mentioned, and I will continue to. 🙂 Thank you so much for your encouragement. It means a lot.

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